my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
