so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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