Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
