do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize