I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
