When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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