you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm just crazy horny about you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
