watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
