Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So much rum. So many feels.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
