she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
