I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
