I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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