You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
