I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
