she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
COCAINE IS GR8
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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