things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Girls should come with a carfax report
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
