this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
