Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
