Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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