she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think people are normalizing furries
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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