I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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