I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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