Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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