I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Is Oprah even human
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
