Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
