Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have aggressive nipples.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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