i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
