Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
