I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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