Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
