My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
