I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
