my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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