sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
