Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
