why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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