I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
