I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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