I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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