Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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