You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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