He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize