I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
