I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
