I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
