THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
