Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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