After last night, I could never be a politician.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
