The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
