dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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