When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
