You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
