U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Boobs speak an international language.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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