Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
