hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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