He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
