Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize