I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
