I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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