seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize