Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
