I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
