Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
