mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
