my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
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