Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(951): View more from California

Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?

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