Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize